in just a minute

It's been almost exactly five years to the day. Five years since we found out our lives were forever being changed by the coming of another baby. At that time, I was overwhelmed and scared.

Kind of exactly like I'm feeling right now.

Yep, that's right. There is another Little Lancaster on the way, and I've spent the last 7 hours of my life trying to let this soak in. And, again, I'm finding myself totally overwhelmed and scared.

I've jokingly said for the last few years that I wanted another baby. Well, sometimes joking and sometimes dead serious. Most of the time, I did it to get a rise out of my husband. His motto for the last five years has been, "Two and THROUGH". And he meant it from the core of his being. So, it was fun to joke around and get him all in a tizzy.

Yet, it seems like God is really going to have the last laugh....at both of us! :-)

It's one thing to SAY that I want a third baby....it's a whole different ballgame when there is actually one growing in my tummy. I'm having the hardest time digesting it.

Maybe because it's been such a long time since I've been pregnant. Makinley and this little one will be exactly five years apart. That's a long time. Maybe it's because we seem to have our life in this nice little routine with our children reaching a level of independence and now we'll be starting over. I don't know what it is...all I do know is that I keep looking at that little stick wondering if it's still going to say "pregnant" in the window. And it does.

Joey is having a hard time processing it. He took a ride by himself so that he could think. I know he will come around; it just has to be in his time. And I'm trying to be patient while he gets there. Although I'm technically right where he is...I have all the same fears and concerns that he has. The difference is that as a female, I want to TALK about it. As a male, he wants to just sit in silence and THINK about it. We'll get on the same page eventually.

I'm trying not to think about all the things that could go "wrong". Not just in the first trimester, but throughout the whole pregnancy, delivery, newborn stage....the list goes on. I think when I was pregnant with Tripp, I was too naive to realize how fragile pregnancy can be. With Makinley, I got a brief glimpse of it. Now, as the years have gone by and I've heard story after story of situations with pregnancies and babies that just break my heart, I find myself already being gripped by fear at moments. And I've only known this little one is coming for a few short hours. Satan is having a party in my head and I've got to get it under control.

I'm writing this before anyone even knows. There are a few select people that know for one reason or another, but the rest of the world (including our family) is in the dark. It's hard keeping it a secret, but I want to wait until I've seen the heartbeat. It's strange that at the end of typing this, I'll hit "save" but I won't yet hit "publish". Not until God gives me the peace to share the news.

Right now, I'm just saying a lot of little prayers every few seconds. Prayers that God will keep this little one safe and calm my spirit. Prayers that Joey will have the peace that he also needs to calm his fears and stresses.

Here's to another little one in 2012. Amazing how your life can change so drastically in just a minute. Written on Friday, January 13th.