fear

     A couple of weeks ago, I had the awesome privilege of attending a Women of Faith conference in Atlanta. I have never been to a WOF conference, so I was excited and anxious to go. I was even more excited when I realized that one of the speakers would be Angie Smith. I have followed Angie's blog for several years, and I was so looking forward to hearing her speak. She did not disappoint. She is hilarious and she kept us laughing...but she also had us all crying so hard that you could hear gasps throughout the arena. If you haven't read Angie's story...you really should.

   With that being said, Angie has a new book out called What Women Fear. Of course, they promoted the book during the conference, so I decided to buy it. I mean, all women have fears, right? So, I was anxious to hear what she has to say about fear in light of God's truth. I knew going into the book that I would be able to relate to some of the areas in which she writes. What I didn't know is that through reading this book, God would reveal to me that in all honesty my middle name is "FEAR". There is not one chapter of this book that I can't relate to. Every.single.chapter applies to me. That is a humbling thing to recognize and accept. I like to believe that I have full faith in God and that He is always in control, but I now realize that that is just not true. The truth is that I WANT to have full faith in God and I WANT to believe that He is always in control, but the human side of me struggles greatly in this area.
  I've been doing some soul searching to try and figure out why I live so much of my life in fear. I believe that it dates back to the winter of 1984 when, as a very young child, I came face to face with the fact that life is fragile. It is fragile and it can be taken away in a heartbeat. Losing my brother at such a young age had a huge impact on how I view life. Then, at the age of 11, I faced the possibility of losing my daddy. When I think back to that day, when I laid with my daddy in a hospital bed before his open heart surgery, I can feel my pulse start to quicken and the same fear that I felt that day. I was terrified walking out of that hospital that I wouldn't see my daddy again this side of heaven....and to be honest, that fear has stayed with me for the last 20 years. I've stayed fearful of my daddy's health and well being ever since I was an 11 year old girl. When my kids were born, a whole new world of fear opened up to me...and it has the capability of sucking me into a pit that I can't bring myself out of. It is a DAILY, HOURLY, MINUTE-BY-MINUTE area in my life that I have to turn over to God. Nothing scares me more than even the thought of something happening to Tripp or Makinley. Just typing the words causes me to fight tears. Please understand, I know that this is not the life God wants me to live. I really do. In my head, I totally know that I should rest in the faith of a FATHER that loves me and wants nothing but the absolute best for me. And, not only that, but should calamity strike, HE would hold me and not me go. In my head, I KNOW this. But, man oh man, my heart sure hasn't completely caught on.
  I'm thanking God for this book. Through it, Angie Smith is showing me how to "walk in a faith that transforms". She is teaching me, both through Scripture and through her own life story, about the life free of fear that God wants for me. Both of these quotes have resonated with me:
"I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence in what's to come."
and
"I want to have the kind of life with God that allows me to rest in Him. Period. Rest in Him. Daily. Hourly, Moment-by-Moment, not crisis-to-crisis."
I pray I can find that rest.