My days seem to pass by in a blur. Each day is full from beginning to end, and there are many days that I don't sit down until about 9:00 at night. I relax for about an hour and then it's time for bed. Wake up, and do it all again. I constantly feel like I have something I need to be doing.
However, God has gently been reminding me lately that what I really need to concentrate on are my children. I find myself getting frustrated at times when they want me to play, rock, read....the list goes on, constantly. My children can entertain themselves well...when they want to....but most of the time, they want me or Joey to entertain them. On one hand, I love that about them. It means that they are so used to having our undivided attention that they aren't sure what to do when they don't. There are millions of kids in this world that entertain themselves ALL the time because they don't have a mother or father that want to take the time with them. That's so sad to me.
I also realize that my day's of having a "baby" at home are over. And that is heartbreaking to me. Don't get me wrong. I realize that the independence of my kids right now is a blessing. I'm able to do more and Joey and I are able to have more time on our own. However, I LOVE having a baby at my house. I mean...L.O.V.E. it. I love nursing, I love rocking, I love holding, I love all aspects of it. Yes, it's tiring. I realize that. In fact, I'm pretty much going on 4.5 years of no sleep. But, to me it is worth it. Each day, as I watch Makinley do something new (like cite the Pledge of Allegiance from beginning to end), my heart simultaneously swells with pride and breaks. I think ahead to the future and realize that there is quickly coming a day where I won't be the center of their world. They will much rather be with their friends...or by themself...than with me. They won't remember these days nearly as clearly as I will.
With that being said, I'm scared I won't remember them clearly either. I feel like so much of Tripp and Makinley's "babyhood" has already escaped me. I lay in bed at night and TRY to remember what it felt like to hold Tripp's tiny body in my arms. Or what it felt like to nurse Makinley (all night long) for the first year of her life. I NEVER thought that I would forget that, but I have. So, in knowing that, I know that I will also forget the blur of my todays. There are so many things I want to remember (and I wish my kids could remember).....
-reading the Bible at bedtime each night
-the feel of Makinley asleep on my chest
-kissing booboos and getting bandaids to make it all better
-watching Curious George countless times
-the sound of their voices when I get them in the afternoons as they RUN to me
-the sound of sweet voices saying the blessing and their bedtime prayers
-the fact that Makinley struggles with speech...she has a really bad lisp and she can't say: "tr" or "dr"
-Tripp throwing the football with SOMEONE...preferably daddy, but mommy will work too
-Makinley playing dress up constantly....and I mean constantly
I know that I will forget a lot of this in the days to come. It's amazing to me that our brains can hold on to the big things, but it's really the little things that I WANT to remember. I guess I'll contine taking out our video camera to capture these precious days. And, believe me, I'll be that mom that actually watches home video on a regular basis. Sometimes, I just miss my babies although they are still here with me.
